waking up at 12:45, like I just did, on a a Tuesday or Thursday. I mean seriously, seriously. Who sleeps through the 10 (literally 10 because thats the max on my phone) alarms every morning? Aperson who goes to sleep an hour before they go off I guess. Last year I started going to sleep at a consistant 2am every night. My Grandma had just passed away prior to starting school and I was upset, not really because I hadn't accepted it but because I had been there when it happened. But 2am was manageable. Then after months of putting it off I finally got diagnosed with ADD in the spring, which was great, I mean I could consentrate, whats better than that? Well the problem there (i guess) was I got started on the extended release adderall, which actually didnt really extend the problem...until...October...when, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. That started what has been the most stressful time of my life thus far, trying to figure out if i should take time off, go home every weekend, etc. so instead of being a time of relief, sleep turned for me into the hours on end I could dwell on these issues. because thats what I do when I don't completely exhaust myself before bed, I dwell, not sleeping for hours and it really freaks me out because Im in this dream-like state but I'm conscious so its like my worse fears, it literally drives me crazy. So I wait and do redundant things to try to get myself tired, but it doesn't really work. Even listening to french lessons or books on tape don't work anymore because because of my adderall I actually listen and it doesn't turn into white noise. And it just sucks, it sucks for my weekends when I attempt to make up sleep and find myself waking up at 4 in the afternoon.
here are a few things I've discovered:
- neither warm milk, exhausting myself during the day, melatonin pills, clonazepam (which is an anti anxiety pill, though it does help during the day), zolpidem(sleeping pills), valerian (which is this nasty herb stuff, blech its worse than vinegar) or any of the other number of solutions I've tried has helped.
- alcohol on the other hand does help but im not going down that road, drinking myself to sleep. no thank you.
- every morning at 4:40 the sprinklers outside go off at my house and they weird me out because they sound like the sound lobsters make when they're being steamed to death.
- every monday morning the garage truck comes to my apartment and makes so much freaking noise it sounds like theyre bulldosing a building.
- my upstairs neighbors have sex quite regularly at around 4am... kind of odd.
- I'm sick and tired of missing classes I actually want to go to for no better reason than I slept through them. its so fucking annoying.
- I'm tired of coming across as a bad student until I tell teachers/ta's about my insomnia and that I feel like I have to tell them way too much about myself in order for them to be ok with the fact that I do try
- im tired of being mad at myself when I realized I've slept through another class
- i'm tired of not sleeping on the nights before big exams or presentations because when I finally feel like i'll be ready to go to go to sleep i freak out because I think I'm sleep through it.
- the fact of the matter is...i'm tired.
There's a little rant by me and about me.
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